Thursday, January 27, 2011

To my haters

to my haters
I keep it real, i am what i am. Im a big girl yes. But im Beautiful. I go to school every day. I try my hardest. I do my work, i see my “friends” I come home. You all think its easy. well heres something thats not.
I wake up every morning, do the same things. I get up, get dressed. Then i go do my hair, and put eye liner on and mascara. Its hard to do… for i HATE looking in the mirror. What I see. Isn’t me. Once i’m done with that, i grab a drink and take my medicine so my tourettes will get better, and so i wont tick as bad during school. Second i walk out the door, i put on a face, JUST for you. I go get on the bus, go to school. do my classes then go home, second i get off the bus, i’m back to my self again. I come in the door, let my dog out, do the furnace and come in. I sit and wait for him to get home, knowing ill be yelled at the second he walks through the door. He walks in. “Hi dad, how was work” I ask. “What do you think” he says. He tells me clean up this house, or do this, or do that. Always. Im like a maid to you dad. Its not fun. I  get done cleaning up, and cooking. Then i go up stairs, and play on my computer, till he has me come down and rub/ scratch his back, shoulders, or head/neck :(. Then i go up to bed. I take a shower, then crawl into my cold bed. i turn on my fan. And cry. Cry and cry till i fall asleep. Next morning it replays. 
^thats how my days go. I have some friends who I can always count on. There names are..Katie Hamel. Amanda Dever. Hannah Stewart, Megan Bowden. Sometimes Anny baker, Rebecca Robbinson, and a couple more… There my life. My mom lives in belfast. she doesnt give to craps about mee or so it feels. I’m 16 years old. i’ve tried ending my life. But threw this all i know one thing. And that one thing is
IM BEAUTIFUL, IM CHUBBIE AND MY FRIENDS LOVE ME. LIFE SUCKS, YOU JUST HAVE TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH, SMILE AND WALK IT OFF. TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY, SO SMILE, AND AWAIT THE SUNRISE. SOMEDAY YOU’LL BE OFF ON YOUR OWN, SO MAKE NO REGRETS, DONT HATE. LOVE. WHAT IF TOMORROW DOESNT COME FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE, BUT YOU HAVR TREATED LIKE COMPLETE SH*T? YOU'LL HATE YOUR SELF!  Every night, i say night and i love you to my dad, and to  my mother. some nights they dont say it back, but it makes me feel a tad bit better knowing i said it to them<3 Life is hard, but you just have to live it to the fullest.

Friday, January 21, 2011


Mom, I love you so much. But i feel as tho you don't feel the same. We fight a lot. I am never up to visit, because someone has this, or you have to do that. But when ever kassie says mom can i come up you say yup, and PLEASE DO NOT say that its because she is pregnant. Its still not fair. For my 16th birthday you were gonna through me a little party, and then set up the hotel room. But you did neither of them. I try and try to get you to show me you care, to get you to show a little bit of love but it never works. I try to get you to be proud of me. To show that i'm still your little girl. Over the years that i have lived with dad, i feel That you have hated me. I've changed, you've changed. And not for the better. You pushed me away. And then i started to pull my self away. Now we never see each other. I know i am probably repeating some stuff i have already said. But its all how i truly feel. Im gonna start from the start... March of 2007 or 2008. I was in 6th grade. You and dad split up, and i had to move in with you. I went to troy howard middle school for 3 months, and i got honer role once. Maybe a month after we moved in, keith came to visit. you said your just "friends" but I wasn't fooled. He stayed for maybe 2 or 3 months. He helped me with my homework, and he helped me understand stuff.Then he left. And Me and kassie would fight a lot. It got to the point where she would push me up Against a wall by the throat. I would push her off and run away. I would try to tell you but you wouldn't listen. You would just freak on me, and then I would storm off and go into my room. You would always tell me to get my stuff, your calling my father. And having him come get me. Well one day I finally did. and you have hated me since. Well..Maybe a year later You went to england with kassie and keith. You were gone for 7 months, and i learned how to do things on my own, with out my mother to count on. It sucked!
You came back, with kassie, and she moved into the house with me and dad.  you moved in with kiki. During the time, i mostly spent time with the boys, not you. You did barley nothing with me, and still never do. Next you got the cottage. then moved into the apartment to help nana. when ever i came over, you were out and about, and never did anything with me. THEN you met tony. You were always over there, so i still never got to be around you. THEN you guys got married. And now i never get to spend time with you because your always right around tony, or you were playing poker. I don't like not living my life without my mother caring about me, it sucks. I hate knowing that if i call you might ignore it, yet if kassie calls you answer ,i hate knowing that i'm not your baby girl anymore, and that kassie replaced me in your heart, and i HATE knowing this baby is gonna replace me even more in your heart. i'm sorry mama, if your reading this, but it is how i feel. I Cry my self to sleep almost every night.! CRY mom, and i wanted to end my life because you didn't care. I hate everything about me Everything. i can not even look into the mirror to change because i hate what i look like. I remember when i was growing up, you hid away, and didn't like your self. and you still don't. you always through in my face that your smaller then me, which let me mention KILLS me inside. i'm sorry mom, i really am. I hate you soooo much for all this pain you have caused me to have, yet i love you soo much because your my mother. Im sorry that you hate me, i'm sorry that i left you, and i'm sorry that you had to replace me in your heart.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

To My Poor Excuse Of A Father

To My Poor Excuse Of A Father<3
Dear "dad"
 Your the Best, yet worse father I have ever had, your the only father I have ever had. I remember all the things you use to say, all the cruel things you use to tell me. I remember all the times where I would stick up for you to mama, and tell her your here, and you love us. I remember all the pain; the tears that I felt. You treat me like I'm DIRT. I try, and try and try to get you to show that you care for me; that your proud of me. But you never do. Its hard, because most kids have there fathers to talk to, but me, no... I have my blog. You treat me like i'm nothing, you freak over everything, Yet I was the one who was always there for you, I was the one who stood by your side in times of need, I was the one who saved YOU from ending your life. Guess what "daddy" You always tell me to pack my Sh** and get, well i'm going. It may not be right now, or in this year, but when I'm older, and more mature; with the money I need Im leaving, Im going to Brazil, and I'm going to meet this guy, and get out of this house. And then you will REGRET ever telling me to go. And we all know it. I hate you dad, i really do. But i don't want to. I love you daddy, i truly do, but its so hard too. Its funny, I remember back when I first came here, I did EVERYTHING for you, I rubbed your back; I cooked; I cleaned. Everything. But i got nothing in return, no "thanks bugs" Or no "good job hun." All I got was a sigh. Then you met cathy, things got a little better. You treated me right, for about a year. And i loved it. Then... Things changed between you two. And after about 2 years of being together, in a matter of speaking, you went and started to act different. Towards everybody. Me, Kassie, Cathy. EVERYONE. You treated me like I'm nothing again, you treated kassie like a queen. And cathy, like... well... I dunno. Now, Its 2011. You might be dating the neighbor sue. You like her, She "Likes" you. BUT the thing is, your changing... for the worse. Daddy, because of you, i have thought about things, about things  teens shouldn't think about. I will NOT do it. But it hurts just as bad to think about it. I love you daddy. With all my heart, no matter how bad you treat me, Im sorry that you hate me, i try so hard to make you proud. I pull on a face for you. I'm in school for you. Im going to go to college so you can be proud of me. but no... it wont work will it): and now that kassie is pregnant, its all about her, yet your still a dink. You don't care about that baby inside of her, Its YOUR grandchild dad. YOURS... Your gonna be a real Grandpa for once. but you don't care do you. UGH... Why do you HATE me SOOO much? What have i ever done to deserve this. Im sitting here, typing this, and tears are coming like rain, and this hurts so much. Im sorry daddy... I truly am.

Monday, January 17, 2011

My First Post.

This is my first post. I was told by a very special person to me, in fact my older sister, that making a blog might help. So im trying it. My life is not picture perfect. I live with my father, And my sister. My mom is remarried and lives in belfast with her new husband. He's nice, i like him(:  Today is January 17, 2011. Im sitting down stairs in my living room eating mac & cheese(: Im tired, and sad like normal. I will be making a post later on in the time being. Right now, i cant think of anything to say. Thanks for reading.